I've been meaning to put these... "quotes" up for a long time.  I originally got them as text messages, and they've been clogging up my phone for many many months until I finally wrote them into a scratchpad file on my computer.  Well, I was tired of seeing them there, so here they are (note: I have formatted them slightly, as they were short-handed to fit in the 160-character limit for text messaging):

Sex is like a gas stations.  Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, & sometimes you have to settle for self-serve.

MICROWAVE FOR SALE Brand new. Used only once. The kids put a cat in it. Cat is ok. But now everything tastes like pussy!

A man is sitting in a bar & every so often he pours a little beer on his hand. Bartender asks him, "what are you doing?" He says, "getting my date drunk."